Today has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster; but I’m happy to report that as we speak (or as I type, I should say) I am at home in my comfy bed feeling physically well and emotionally at peace.
This morning when I woke up one of the first things I did was thank God for the experiences that I had last week. I am so grateful that I was blessed to have seen everything I needed to see. I had not a single question on my mind regarding the baby. My biggest fear was going under and waking up literally and physically empty. But instead I woke up full of hope. I woke up feeling happy for the first time in many days. I woke up and I was totally at peace.
My precious Dr. Simpson told me that after the surgery began there was still quite a bit that needed to be removed and she was so happy we moved forward with the surgery, which meant so much considering I had the option to not have the surgery after I had labored through everything. Overall it was fast and fabulously painless.
I have a quick and funny story that anyone who has ever been put under anesthesia will appreciate. I, in true Chatty Cathy form, went into the operating room joking with the anesthesiologist saying that I usually only make it to 10 when asked to count down before I fall fast asleep…meaning ok, start at 10 and count down. “We’ll I have a new little game we can play!” He joked. “Christin, I want you to list all of the seven dwarfs and we’ll see how far you get.” So I’m thinking…Ohhh I’ve got this! He said, “When I say GO you start…ok, ready…GO!” I quickly shouted, “Happy, Sneezy, Dopey (ironic, huh), doc…….” and scene.
On the flip side, as you can imagine the first thing I asked him when I woke up was how far did I get? “Well Christin you listed three dwarfs so you did great.” he said. I quickly replied (insert serious face), “No, no I remember saying Happy, Sneezy, Dopey and Doc!” He said, “Oh…we’ll, I guess your right. I thought the last one you were referring to us!”
My recovery was quick and painless (special thanks to my lovely dose of pain meds)! I was out of the bed and sitting up in a chair within an hour and they had me in the car in less than 2 hours after surgery.
Which brings me to this moment. My precious baby is gone from my womb but has found a new eternal home deep in my heart. As I write my heart still aches at the thought of why me? Why now? God only knows. But one thing I know for sure is that we have so very much to be thankful for and believe me when I tell you I am counting my blessing every minute. I have an amazing husband whom I adore, a beautiful healthy son, a roof over my head, and air in my lungs. I’m doing a-ok.
I want to end the day the way it began. A dear friend sent me this beautiful poem this morning that knocked me to my knees. It is hard to read every line clearly through the tears that may cloud your vision for a while, but take it to heart and most importantly pay it forward. So many mamas, just like me, need this.
From the bottom of my heart…thank you for your time to read my thoughts and the care and love you have show to me and my family. We have been blown away by the love and support that has flooded our world via texts, phone calls, emails, letters, and countless Facebook messages. I am usually not one to be at a loss of words but I am speechless. Words cannot express the gratitude that Rob and I have for each and every one of you, so I hope you will hear me when I say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. God is good!
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her check,
And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your baby is here in My home,
They’ll be at heaven’s gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day,
And you’ll know that you’re the best one!